It's been so long since I've written anything, so it's funny that what I'm about to write is kind of related to what I said last.

It's my 12th day of not smoking. No patches, no gum, no cutting down - just cold turkey. I tried quitting with patches but it just didn't really work out. I think I must be at the bargaining stage of my quitting process. All day, I mostly think of ways that it would be alright for me to buy cigarettes.

Example:

1. It's too hard to quit because my husband still smokes.
2. I am not strong enough to quit smoking
3. What is the point in quitting smoking if I'm miserable all the time - I'd rather die happy
4. I should just enjoy smoking while I can (Australian laws change in July and you won't be able to smoke in pubs at all) and give up later

You get the idea - it goes on and on and on. I'm hoping that eventually it will stop and I can get on to the acceptance stage.

It's only every really bad when I drink and I'm starting to notice that I pretty much only drank alcohol so I could smoke. Weird.

But basically I'm terrified that I'll never enjoy anything as much as I used to, and it won't be worth it. But I hold on to the idea that it might be worth it and I never want to go through the hell of quitting again. Either I quit now or smoke forever, I don't think I'm capable of anything else.